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西江月-song 2019-04-15 19:00:33

小伙伴们大家好,欢迎来到本期的“国外也有段子手”!上周的欧冠赛场精彩看点层出不穷,曼联主场不敌巴萨,热刺战胜曼城,利物浦轻取波尔图,尤文与阿贾克斯战平,阿森纳则在欧联杯中战胜那不勒斯。周末联赛,利物浦战胜切尔西继续领跑,曼城、曼联纷纷取胜,而巴萨、尤文等队则接连丢分。好了,话不多说,让我们快来看看歪果仁们的精彩吐槽吧!

萨拉赫马内进球,利物浦2-0切尔西

sarcastr0naut(利物浦球迷):比赛里这么多润滑剂的,为啥我们还是插不进去啊?(So many ads for lubricants, and yet we're still struggling with penetration.)

ShunningResumed(布里斯托球迷):起码把你们滑倒了吧…(Might cause a slip though.)

kaj1981(未知主队球迷):伊瓜因就像是在穿着牛仔裤跑步一样…(Higuain runs like he's wearing jeans.)

GlumElderberry(切尔西球迷):我那只截了肢乌龟都比伊瓜因跑得快!(My amputated turtle would outpace Higuain, fucking hell.)

Viktorenox(未知主队球迷):萨拉赫绝对是最不合格的昙花一现!(Worst one season wonder ever.)

ArizonaBong(罗达JC球迷):这就是你们说的炸弹,一发入魂炸进你们的球门啦!(There's your fucking bomb! Bombed it right into the top corner.)

(注:之前有部分极端切尔西球迷讽刺萨拉赫为“炸弹袭击者”)

ImZaffi(利物浦球迷):那些种族歧视的切尔西球迷其实没错,埃及确实是有大杀器啊!(The racist Chelsea fans were right, the Egyptian has rockets!)

Cillian_Brouder(利物浦球迷):凯帕:“教练,我想被换下场…”(Kepa Arrizabalaga: "Maurizio, I'd like to be taken off now.")

Raptorized(利物浦球迷):萨拉赫在告诉阿扎尔悠着点踢,毕竟马上就是澳门永利唯一官网的人了…(Salahs telling hazard to take it easy since he's going to Madrid anyway.)

VictorAkwaowo1(澳门永利唯一官网球迷):阿扎尔,我来帮你收拾行李吧!(I’ll pack your bags for you Hazard.)

lycan_the_dog(巴萨球迷):一想到阿扎尔加盟澳门永利唯一官网,就感觉好怕怕…(I'm getting scared by the prospect of Hazard joining Madrid.)

Holy_Wut_Plane(澳门永利唯一官网球迷):如果用你们的10号球员来换,那我们就把阿扎尔让给你们,怎么样?(We can take that number 10 guy of yours and we'll give you Hazard.)

WakeUpKevinMiller(巴萨球迷):切尔西球员咋在半场期间又热身了一遍?(why Chelsea's XI are warming up again during halftime.)

Byzantiums(华盛顿球迷):毕竟上半场一直都猫在自己禁区里,有点冻感冒了…(All the standing around in the box had them cold in the first half.)

EdenFuckingHazard(切尔西球迷):好吧,至少我还有《权力的游戏》可以看...(Well, at least there's Game of Thrones.)

diata22(利物浦球迷):《权游》还不是一样会让你心碎?(That's definitely gonna break your heart as well.)

Djent_Reznor1(切尔西球迷):多希望我是一个中立球迷,这样我就能好好欣赏这一场比赛了…(I wish I were a neutral so I could enjoy this fucking game.)

Kardinale(曼联球迷):握日哦,曼联还得尽力击败曼城帮利物浦夺冠?(United is gonna beat City and hand Liverpool the title, fucks sake.)

NSFW_PICS_GIRL(澳门永利唯一官网球迷):科瓦契奇离开澳门永利唯一官网,只因不愿生活在莫德里奇的阴影之中,没想到在切尔西又被巴克利的阴影罩住了…(Kovacic left Madrid to be out of Modric’s shadow and ended up under Barkley’s shadow.)

斯特林梅开,曼城3-1 水晶宫

Clashoftherats(利物浦球迷):如果德布劳内整个赛季都没伤病,曼城联赛恐怕又能得100分了!(If De Bruyne was fit the whole season, City would’ve probably finished on 100 again.)

SwitzerlandNotInEU(未知主队球迷):唉,可怜的曼城,这个赛季也就只能得98分了...(Poor City will have to finish on 98 instead :(

Kolarovmcfc(曼城球迷):看得我裤子都湿了…(My pants are wet.)

TortoiseT(比利时球迷):当传球比进球更值得打一发飞机时,你就知道那肯定是丁丁的助攻!(You know it's a KdB assist when wank more over the assist than the actual goal.)

Guevarra25(未知主队球迷):我坚信德布劳内眼里的世界都是慢动作!(Im convinced De Bruyne sees things in slow motion.)

Whatisthescen(阿森纳球迷):哈哈,瓜瓜和阿尔特塔的侧入式是我最新喜欢的庆祝动作!(Haha Pep spooning Arteta is my new favourite celebration.)

TheConundrum98(利物浦球迷):还能不能看一次水晶宫在开场前5分钟不丢球的比赛了?(Can we see Palace not conceding in the first 5 minutes please?)

lonewarrior1104(曼城球迷):门迪的传中是要穿过宇宙去找钢铁侠了吧!(Mendy sending that cross to Tony Stark across the universe.)

卢克-肖乌龙,曼联0-1巴塞罗那

LosTerminators(巴萨球迷):我们在欧冠客场还是进不了球,还好你们红魔球员给帮忙进了一个…(And we can't score outside Camp Nou in CL, so your player did the job for us.)

FatherOop(纽约城球迷):巴萨这看起来像是在给周末踢韦斯卡留力啊!(Barcelona frankly looked like they were conserving energy for Huesca.)

Twersx(曼联球迷):我们的表现其实不错,说实话,我魔能坚持到1/4决赛已经超过了我的预期,被淘汰也问心无愧了!(Good game. tbh quarterfinal is already beyond my expectation, we can smile even if being knocked out.)

Cerxa(未知主队球迷):卢克-肖:倘若我问心有愧呢?(Except Shaw.)

StringTailor(曼联球迷):现在我怀疑阿什利-扬连一条马路都横穿(传)不过去了!(I don’t think Ashley Young can even cross the road at this point.)

lmh971(曼城球迷):阿什利-扬的表现就像是在商场悄悄偷东西,然后再装作一副四处闲逛打酱油的样子…(Ashley Young plays like he's shop-lifted and is trying to move around without looking suspicious.)

WildVariety(曼联球迷):阿什利-扬绝对是今天巴萨的全场最佳!(Ash Young man of the match for Barca.)

Billythecar(卢森堡球迷):不是卢克-肖吗?(Not Shaw?)

IrrationalReactions(巴萨球迷):斯莫林最终还是找到了阻挡梅西的办法啊!(Smalling had a plan to stop messi after all.)

rolandGOAT(未知主队球迷):有没有人收集一下梅西流的血,这样我们就可以克隆他了!(Someone collect that blood so we can clone Messi.)

DarkSofter(曼联球迷):这赛季欧冠我们就在老特拉福德进了一个球,那还是在踢伯尔尼年轻人的时候,进球的还是费莱尼大大,而且是按VAR会被吹掉的进球...(We have scored ONLY 1 goal at Old Trafford this CL, against Young Boys, and that was from lord Fellaini, which would have been disallowed if there was VAR.)

Shrewdy(未知主队球迷):根据以往经验,索尔斯克亚执教曼联在欧冠淘汰赛第二轮的战绩显赫,势头很猛!虽然这样本数量有点少…(Utd under Ole in an away 2nd leg in Europe coming from behind are scary too though. Sure, there's not a huge sample size, but still...)

redwan010(曼联球迷):本来这周我都打算戒烟了,现在感觉我是选错周了…(Decided to quit smoking this week, but I have definetely chose the wrong week.)

hks2293(未知主队球迷):流血的梅西是相当危险的,马德里球迷都知道的…(Bleeding Messi is dangerous. Madrid fans know all about it.)

N1njaCh0p(曼城球迷):就算特尔施特根在场上睡大觉,对结果恐怕也没什么影响…(Ter Stegen could have fallen asleep in pitch and it wouldn’t have mattered.)

Maskiwear(巴萨球迷):很遗憾我们的秘密前锋卢克-肖下一场要禁赛了!(Pity that our secret striker will be suspended next game.)

Scourgal(热刺球迷):就单看斯莫林这个发型,就该把他红牌罚下!(Chris smalling should get sent off for his hairdo alone.)

Chelseasaints(切尔西球迷):为了防止博格巴在场上摆烂,是不是得每隔几个月就得换一次新教练?(Is Pogba going to need a new manager every few months to stop him barely trying for the majority of games he plays?)

C罗进球,尤文图斯1-1阿贾克斯

NoTheShitposter(波尔图球迷):踢欧冠的时候有C罗,这简直就是在作弊!(Having Ronaldo for your team in the CL is like cheating at this point.)

Demonationz(斯旺西球迷):就算你再设法不睡觉,C罗还是能出现在你的噩梦里!(You may keep awakebut Ronaldo is still in your nightmares after.)

WaxFaster(尤文球迷):尼玛,阿贾克斯这传球就像是玩FIFA的传奇模式一样!(Ajax passing is like playing FIFA on legend mode holy shit.)

popoley4221998(热刺球迷):我愿意将我左边的蛋蛋捐出去,来换取阿贾克斯进入四强…(I would've given my left nut for Ajax to get to the semis.)

tehMadher(阿贾克斯球迷):我们掌控比赛太久了,看来C罗的进球马上就要来了…(We're dominating so much that I feel another Ronaldo goal is coming soon.)

afcaMouz(阿贾克斯球迷):就像我们踢澳门永利唯一官网那场一样,射10次才能换来1个进球,而C罗只需要1次尝试就进球了…(Just like against Real Madrid we score 1 goal for every 10 attempts, whereas Ronaldo only needs 1 attempt.)

hufusa(澳门永利唯一官网球迷):感觉输给阿贾克斯也不是那么丢人了,他们踢得明明很好的…(Losing to Ajax suddenly doesn’t feel so bad this team is looking pretty damn good if I gotta be honest.)

Boomtown_Rat(未知主队球迷):握日哦,怎么没人告诉我在BR体育直播的评述员竟然是纳什?(Fuck, why did no one tell me they had Steve Nash covering the champions league on bleacher report?)

jeroen115(阿贾克斯球迷):阿贾克斯算是唯一一个敢在如此重要的比赛里让一名19岁的小将上演欧冠首秀的球队了,而他之前在联赛出场也只有过17分钟而已…(The only club who would let a 19 year make his debut in the champions league while only having played 17 minutes in the eredevisie. Never change ajax.)

wait_whaaattt(利物浦球迷):我们是梦回1996年了吗?(Are we back in 1996 ?)

孙兴慜进球,热刺1-0曼城

sto_248(利物浦球迷):孙纳尔多!(SONALDO!)

Kresbot(英格兰球迷):齐达内已经去找孙兴慜的地址了!(Zidane wants to know his location.)

Tklfillerz(曼联球迷):作为正在服兵役的韩国人,我只想说...孙兴慜被免兵役真的是谢天谢地了…(As a guy currently serving in the korean army I can say... thank God Son got exempted.)

OhShitItsSeth(热刺球迷):说真的,如果孙兴慜真的去参加统一朝韩的战争会怎样呢?(Seriously. What if he was to unite the North and South?)

Ilholtstilin(热刺球迷):请认真告诉我,难道你不想跟着孙兴慜一起上前线吗?(Tell me with a straight face you wouldn't follow this guy into battle.)

SiriPickLips(美国球迷):不想。(No.)

Mr_Hendrix(热刺球迷):曼城的板凳上坐着丁丁、萨内和热苏斯,而我们的替补席上只有33岁的高个老将,18岁青瓜蛋子和一个玻璃人万亚马…(Man City bench: KDB, Sane, Jesus. Spurs bench: 33 year old tall man, 18 year old nerd, and a broken Wanyama.)

CA_spur(热刺球迷):小伙子们真让我骄傲!就算下周被踢出翔也无所谓,干就完了!(So proud of the lads. I'll be browning my jeans next week, but COYMFS!)

Zeqqy(未知主队球迷):你怎么能让才一米七的斯特林去当人墙…(How the fuck do you hit 5 foot 7 Sterling in a one man wall?)

Cheetos4You(阿森纳球迷):为什么每次我们嘲笑热刺最厉害的时候,他们都能用成绩打我们的脸…(I swear, whenever we mock Spurs the most, they come in and fucking prove everyone wrong.)

Freakedmind(未知主队球迷):丁丁上场后唯一的收获,就是和偶像西索科交换了球衣!(kdb only came on to swap shirts with his idol, Sissoko.)

Carterish(利物浦球迷):瓜瓜欧冠淘汰赛客场的尴尬纪录还在继续啊,上次在1/4决赛或半决赛赢球还是在2011年…(Pep's away woes in Champions League continue. Last away win in Quarters or Semi was in 2011.)

凯塔菲米进球,利物浦2-0波尔图

Axelthegreat(马竞球迷):2-0的比分是最危险的领先了,看来利物浦铁定被淘汰出局!(2-0 is the most dangerous lead. Liverpool look to be going out.)

Ze4npis(AC米兰球迷):其实3个才是最危险的。(No, 3-0 is the most dangerous.)

Anymotora(巴黎球迷):哦?(ahhh?)

Jyoung59(阿森纳球迷):几个月都不进球,而这一周内就进了俩,凯塔这是被解除封印了?(Two goals in the span of a week, after not scoring in a several months, Keita unlocked.)

Blodyck(本菲卡球迷):利物浦球迷对卡西利亚斯的礼遇,比澳门永利唯一官网球迷还要多…(The moment when Liverpool fans appreciate Casillas more than Real Madrid fans.)

Battlepants1178(利物浦球迷):我不管,亨德森就是世界最佳中场!而且还是独一档哦!(Fuck me, Henderson is the best midfielder in the world and it's not even close.)

Monkeybawz(利物浦球迷):那是因为米尔纳去踢左后卫了!(Only cos milner is playing at left back!)

GNeiva(波尔图球迷):让我们也玩一两分钟球好不好?还有就是能不能别虐我们了…(Can we have the ball for like a minute or two? Stop bullying us.)

SusanBoyleMLG(阿森纳球迷):我希望利物浦和巴萨晋级,这样就有机会看到范戴克单挑梅西了!(I would like Liverpool and Barcelona to advance. Interested in seeing that match and Messi 1v1 against van dijk)

拉姆塞进球,阿森纳2-0那不勒斯

BigFaxxx(未知主队球迷):你厂这主场踢得像巴萨,客场立马就变成伯恩利了。(Barca at home, Burnley away from home.)

Munkysnuflz(奥斯丁球迷):这是伯恩利被黑得最惨的一次...(Too harsh on Burnley.)

BCastle18(澳门永利唯一官网球迷):如果阿森纳的客场成绩能跟主场踢得一样,那绝对就是世界最佳球队了!(If Arsenal played away games like they did home games they'd be the best team in the world lmao.)

Robozomb(阿森纳球迷):我们能不能给酋长球场装上轮子,然后每次客场都把它带过去?(Can we just put wheels on the Emirates and just bring it with us wherever we play?)

HKAGooner(英格兰球迷):拉姆塞狂虐那不勒斯,看来去尤文踢球绝对是无缝切换了!(Ramsey bullying Napoli, seems like he's going to fit in well at Juve.)

giggitygigg14(阿森纳球迷):我强烈要求把拉姆塞再从尤文买回来…(I DEMAND WE BUY RAMSEY BACK FROM JUVE.)

Cestpasproblem(国际米兰球迷):哈哈,阿森纳在欧联踢得像曼城,而曼城在欧冠踢得就像阿森纳!(Lol arsenal playing like man city in Europa and man city playing like arsenal in champions.)

博格巴点射,曼联2-1西汉姆联

TyraTanks(多特球迷):有时候博格巴绝对值9000万的价格,但有时候也就值9万…(So some days, Pogba looks like €90M, some days €90000.)

Vadapaav(利物浦球迷):也许博格巴必须得在新教练调教下才能踢好!(May be he will do better under new United manager.)

ryanedwards0101(曼联球迷):为啥我们踢得好的时候就会输球,而明明踢得很烂的时候却又能赢了…(Why every time we play well we lose. When we're shit we win.)

moonski(未知主队球迷):所以曼联现在接下来的比赛全都摆烂,这样不就能取得最好结果啦!(So all man u need to do is play awful for the rest of the season for maximum points?)

VictorAkwaowo1(澳门永利唯一官网球迷):曼联的防守绝对是比悲伤更悲伤的故事了…(Manchester United’s defense is beyond terrible.)

Miniatom(曼联球迷):哪还有心思看球啊,对我而言最期待的是明天《权力的游戏》更新和24号的复联4!(Not interested in football. For me Game of Thrones tomorrow and Avengers the 24th.)

Eternal0000(未知主队球迷):我们最能利用好卢卡库传中的球员,就是卢卡库自己…(Best use of Lukaku's cross is Lukaku.)

naumankhan02(曼城球迷):如果德赫亚真的去了澳门永利唯一官网,曼联究竟会变成什么样子…(What will happen to Manchester United if De Gea moves to Madrid?)

小基恩进球,尤文1-2斯帕尔

DankestOfFranks(未知主队球迷):小基恩进球就像我拉翔一样容易,每天都得来个一两次!(This kid scores goals like I take shits. Once a day and sometimes twice.)

Goldaniga(尤文球迷):来啊,小基恩老爹拖拉机的钱我出了!(Cum on I’ll pay for his father’s tractors.)

(注:小基恩的父亲曾表示尤文欠他两台拖拉机)

Sooshi(曼联球迷):天呐,尤文现在只领先20分了,这真是太危险了!(Oh man it’s dangerous, now they're only 20 points clear.)

TheMemeStar24(那不勒斯球迷):也就是说,我们还有夺冠的机会咯?(there's still a chance bois.)

好了,亲爱的小伙伴们,本期的“国外也有段子手”就为大家播报到这了,让我们拭目以待,来看下期歪果仁们更加精彩的犀利吐槽吧!

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非常抱歉!